To Tree or Not To Tree!

Every year I debate on whether or not to get a Christmas tree. I am so In love with the wonderful smell of them that it so often causes me to have amnesia every December. Why do I struggle with the purchase every year, well….

There was the year that Cirè started pulling the needles off the tree and putting them into his mouth. It would be ok if there were only a few needles to worry about but when there is a never ending tree of a billion green, fresh, scrumptious needles just waiting to be plucked for a mouth toy the love of a tree becomes something of a pain in the behind! I would say to my child every time he pulled off the tiny morsel of greeness, “Cirè that doesn’t go in your mouth, hand it over”, and he would pass the tiny morsels of green over without a fight. BUT his eyes would always dart over to the tree were he knew he could always get his next stash.

Then there was the year that Cirè felt the tree was never in the right position in the living room. Every time I would walk in there the tree would be moved to a new position, originally starting out in the corner then moved to the center of the room and then moved all the way to the other corner.  I felt like I was in a scene from musical tree! And the funny part about it was I never saw him do it, every time I would walk into the living room the tree would just be in a new position and usually Cirè would just be sitting on the couch looking innocent as ever! Right, like I could believe that!  The kicker came when I walked into my living room and Cirè and the “TREE” (apparently they had become best buddies) were in the front foyer. It wouldn’t be so bad if getting into that area was easy, but no, the space is separated by a moongate entry with a one foot drop and you would have to literally bend the tree at an angle just to slide it in there.  I guessed interior decorating was one of Cire’s many talents as I slid the tree back into the living room.

Then there was the year that Cirè watched me decorating the tree and I got him to help by putting on a few ornaments.  He helped with maybe two balls and then gave me the look like “I’m done!” and moved on with his business.   Unfortunately this skill transferred to thinking everything should be on the tree and so he started putting the mail in the tree, the tv remote, my keys! It was a mess! It got so bad that whenever I couldn’t find something I would first look in the tree (giggles), what a Christmas that was!

Then there was the year where he started unwrapping the Christmas gifts, this would be ok if it was after December 25th and the gifts were his! But no, he was unwrapping all of his cousins gifts and of course all of his were still sitting nicely under the tree all neatly wrapped and untouched!  Double wrapping a gift is no fun!!

So today is December 16th, nine days until that special day and the debate is real.  Do I take the leap of faith that this year will be the one where Cirè admires the tree from afar and all will be right with the world (ha), do I buy one of those artificial trees and get the spray that gives me that Christmas tree smell, or do I not get a tree this year and decorate my green bookcase? Ha ha, decisions, decisions.

What will I do……..hmm……well it’s pretty simple to me, I’m getting the tree! Yup, I will be marching (I mean driving) my butt to the store and purchasing my beautiful smelling, green, full of horrific needles, holds everything but the kitchen sink, moveable tree so that this year I will continue in the tradition of not only celebrating the joys and spirit of Christmas with my beautiful child but creating memories….exciting, crazy, giggle till you piss your pants memories which are worth every bit of the trouble.

Here’s to hoping your holiday will be as special as mine and wishing you and your family a wonderful and exciting new year.

Cirè’s mommy.

My Wish On Your 18th….

My 18th year birthday wish for you…


I wish for you to always be the happy person that you are, continue to giggle uncontrollably when you see something crazy on your ipad and then rewind to that part 500 times because you can.

I wish for you to continue to control your own stylish wardrobe, and if you feel shorts are to be worn during summer and winter, you rock those shorts until they become the latest trend.

I wish for you to always make those strange noises that may sound like a tragedy to others but to me is music to my ears. I think words are overrated and your silent communication is so powerful.

I wish that you will continue to thrive in your learning, yes i get that you’d rather be lounging in your bed watching a movie, but unfortunately you live in the real world. Plus you’re one of the most intelligent teens i know so i think you should continue to share that with the world.

I wish for you to sleep late on weekends and to stop being a typical teen that refuses to get up during the week days. We have places to go and people to see…..the life of a celebrity teen can be brutal.

I wish that you will never allow your disability to hinder you…..who am i kidding, you rock autism and it looks so good on you. I’m thinking about catching a case of it myself, but i could never make it look as good as you do.

I wish for you to find a career that will make you happy and that in it you will thrive.  It will be difficult because Bermuda is not yet ready for you, but you’re use to overcoming adversity so i have faith that you got this.

I wish for you to know that for every person that looks at you like there’s something wrong with you, there are five hundred others standing by your side. We can’t control how others see us but we do control how we see them and you understand that humans can make mistakes.

My final wish for you on your 18th birthday is that you remember that you are perfect just the way you are.  You may not talk,  you may not understand everything and you may not understand everyone in your world, but because of that you do not worry about what others say, you have no care about if they like you or not and you live your life with happiness in your heart. Such a perfect life! I am so jelous. 

So happy 18th Birthday my superstar….may all your wishes come true. 

Ps. not sure how you got 18 when I’m still 25, just doesn’t add up.


A Mean Fast Pitch!

DSC00168Well I don’t know what happened when Ciré turned 16 last October, but whatever it was made him think he’s a Major League PITCHER! For some reason, probably to get a rise out of me, Ciré has now started throwing everything into the kitchen…And I mean everything! My kitchen is fenced off, one of those child fences so that Ciré doesn’t have free excess (a must for the kid who would eat every cheeseball known to man) so now he thinks that if he throws everything into the kitchen it will make mommy open the fence so that he can go in there. Good thinking Ciré, i knew you had a head on your shoulders, but its not going to be that easy kid.

So i walk into my kitchen and see the bathroom towels, the toilet tissue roll, the wash cloths, the shower gel, the clothes he was wearing (Lol), the hand wash, the tooth brushes, the toothpaste, the vaseline, the comforter off his bed, the pillows, his small toy box, his reading books, the PECS book, the …… Do you all get the picture here.  So I go to open the kitchen gate and guess who miraculously appears out of no-where with a grin on his face, thinking he’s outsmarted mom! Yup, the notorious kitchen thrower with the mean fast pitch!

Unfortunately for my 16 year old, he now has made so many chores for himself that he is truly going to forget the reason he wanted to get into the kitchen in the first place!  Poor kid had to put every item back into its original place and he we so not impressed. I think I saw him cut his eyes at least 10 times, I love when my child shows me his typical side! Lol

So now days he used his PECS book with a vengeance (PECS – Picture Exchange Communications book) and just passes me the pictures of his cheeseballs, popcorn and drink…..And we both walk to the kitchen where he helps himself to his much wanted snacks.

Whoever says communication is a lost art form most definitely hasn’t met Ciré!  Welcome to the Major Leagues!

I Am Who I Am!

Who is my little boy, or should I say BIG BOY!!! 

Sometimes I look at him and I see all the things that he wants to be and would be if his disability didn’t make it hard for him.  He is a softy that will lay by you, take your head in his hands and cuddle you like you are his new born baby. He is a comedian who will watch you working out to the most exhausting workout video and then drink your water like he is working out himself. He is so intelligent that he can find that exact spot in his video that will make him laugh over and over again in a few seconds, while it would usually take the average person 5 minutes to forward then rewind just to get close. He is inquisitive, trying to see if what I have hidden in my hand is for him or if it holds no value because its not. 

He is rich beyond my imagination, not in a monetary way but in the way that he looks at all people as if they are human and he doesn’t judge them if they have flaws.  He is strong in that he can push what he needs out of the way so that he can get to the most unimaginable item, but he is gentle in a way that will make you cry.

Who is this person that can make me laugh until I cry at his facial expression and then push me to the brink of frustration when he’s just not interested in something I need him to do. Talk about being his own person, yeah he is his own person alright!

So who is this teenager that I would walk across water for just to make his life a little more fun, a little more happy, a little more free.  

He is my inspiration, a little piece of me that I share with the world to inspire people to think outside the box, to love unconditionally and to remember that although we may have things that bring us down there is always a way to get back on top.

Or in Ciré’s case there always a way to get to that bag of yummy “cheese balls” if I trick my mom into thinking i just need a glass of juice! The Kid knows what he wants!!!

Thinking About Moving to a Nudist Colony

OK, so I have a child that doesn’t like clothes….and it doesn’t help that he is 14 years of age. I mean he has always had an issue with keeping his clothes on but when your little you can get away with it. When your “14” it can cause some heads to turn! 

People always say look at your child’s talent and then push them in that direction, well MALE stripper was not what I was thinking about. If it was up to Ciré he would walk around town in his birthday suit, but I don’t think my little Island of Bermuda is ready for that one.  

Over the last couple of weeks my boy has been stripping down to his birthday suit in the car! So what is a mother to do in this instance. There are times when I have to leave him in the car so I can run into the store to pick up his lunch, I try to make the trip 5 mins or less and I prep everything so that he is comfortable in the time that i am gone. I usually wind the windows down to a comfortable level so that air is blowing through, If he has on a long sleeve shirt I take it off so that he is just in his vest, I give him his ipad so that he has entertainment and then I start the mad dash into the store. Sometime I walk off and then stop a few feet behind the car just to see if he will start stripping and you can bet that he does. I run back, give him the evil eye, and then help him put the clothes back on. He always has this big grin on his face like “Dang she caught me” and then acts so innocent that i have to laugh! When he is dressed again i do the mad dash again into the store and pray that he is all clothed when i get back. What do you think I find, one naked child chillin in the car BUT still has the seat belt on! Yup seat belt in place like this is the way driving is suppose to be. Free and uninhibited!!!

Well it looks like I have a lot more work to do with the “Keeping the clothes on while your in the Car” lesson. Now I’m going to have to break the whole process down to make sure that when he keeps the clothes on he is rewarded and when he takes them off there are consequences! Who’d have thought that this was one of the lessons that would become a part of the teaching repertoire, but I guess it is. 

How do you explain to the public that the 14 year old kid in the front seat, naked but still wearing his seat belt is ok because he has Autism, when what they see is a teenager that is exposing himself to the public.  This job is hard, but so worth it. Cause in the next couple of months when my boy is chillin in the front seat and I come out of the store to see him fully dressed I will celebrate another one of the little things that so many others take for granted.

And if that doesn’t work, well I guess I will be checking out applications to strip joints or nudist colonies because either way mommy is going to make this work!

A Poem I Once Read.

Many many years ago I received this poem and after reading it I could relate so well to what the author had to say. We all want to have the perfect life with the nice house and the white picket fence, but what happens if the house is a fixer upper and the white picket fence sometimes falls over. Well thats when you realise that the perfect life is always within reach, you just have to take the time to see it…..

Welcome to Holland

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability – to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this…

When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum, the Michelangelo David, the gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.”

“Holland?!” you say. “What do you mean, Holland?” I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.

But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to some horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.

So you must go out and buy a new guidebook. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It’s just a different place. It’s slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around, and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life you will say, “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.”

The pain of that will never, ever, go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.

But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.

Written by Emily Perl Kingsley

And so with that said don’t let life pass you by because you didn’t get the life you expected, go out there and make your life the best it can be. Get your supper glue or you hot glue gun out and bedazzle “HOLLAND” so much that when you look at it, it sparkles more then Italy ever could!

On New Years Day I Cried!

This is every parents nightmare, but all is ok so don’t panic!

On New Years day around 4pm I gave Ciré a bowl of his precious cheesballs! I had gotten this large container of cheeseballs from Arnold’s and had put it under the christmas tree with a big bow on it on Christmas eve. Needless to say that was the first thing Ciré saw on Christmas day, grabbing the container and ripping off the top!

Anyway on New Years day I gave Ciré a bowl of his beloved cheeseballs and he set them down on the front room table with his container of drink and proceeded to watch his movie. Knowing he was content I walked into my room and set in bed with my book. Not 2 minutes later Ciré walked in the bedroom with his mouth filled with the cheeseballs, his cheeks were so full that they were extended like Fat Albert. I shook my head and said “Ciré you can’t stuff your mouth like that” and he turned and headed out the room.

The entire incident felt so strange to me that I got up and followed him out of the room, next thing I know he is choking and the cheesballs are stuck in his throat. He is wailing around and trying to get breath and I start banging on his back to see if I could dislodge the food. Then I got around to his back and start doing the hymlic like no bodies business! Thank goodness I took a class in this about 10 yrs ago, remembered everything like it was yesterday! Now I am on Ciré’s back and have my arms around his ribs pushing up with all my might. Ciré drops to the ground and is getting weaker and all I am thinking is “My baby, I gotta get him breathing!” I continue to push up on his front area and then 5 seconds later, which felt like FOREVER! he started couching and cheesballs are falling out of his mouth. He is so weak that all of his 190Lb is leaning on me so I sit him on the toilet in the bathroom. He is looking at me, but not really seeing me and then… he smiles… AND then I bawled my head off, crying until I couldn’t cry anymore.

All of the thoughts that went through my head during that 5 minute experience. “Call mom upstairs.. no I don’t have that type of time” …. “Ciré breatheeeeeee”… “My baby, My baby” … “You will not have Cheeseballs EVER Again” …. “What would I do without my baby!”

5 minutes later, as I am still crying uncontrollably, Ciré is back to his old self and giggling at a movie on his iPad. To be so unaware! So able to get back on the horse and ride on out of there like no tomorrow! Only my Ciré! Gotta Love Him.

And me, well I got up, dried off my tears and moved on. (Tomorrow I start THERAPY! Ha, Ha)

So with that said…It’s going to be an exciting NEW YEAR! Literally!


Get A Room!

Ciré had a very exciting December, lots of pre-christmas outings and activities that he was very excited about. However, as usual there always has to be a little bit of drama, just to keep the blood flowing.

So on December 1st Ciré was acting kind of strange, kept tightening up his upper body as if he was going to have a seizure. Since he hasn’t had a seizure in 3 and a half years I was very worried!!! So we ended up going to the emergency room where Ciré, Paul and me camped out for hours. We arrived about 10:30 am and were advised around 1:30pm (yes, 2 1/2 hours later!) that they wanted to do an EEG on Ciré just to see what was going on in his brain, needless to say the EEG was scheduled for the next day and only by accident did they inform us about 2:00 pm that we would be there for the night so that they could observe Ciré overnight. So around 4pm (yup, 2 hours later) they took us up to the room that we would be staying in for the next 24 hours!

As the day went by Ciré’s episodes eased up and he was almost back to his normal self. He observed every person that walked in, past and by our room, as if he was expecting someone special to come. The nurses came by to introduce themselves and to ask which parent would be staying with Ciré during the night, as always we informed her that we both would be staying, which I guess is not the norm and we needed special permission to do. No worries, we ignored them and started getting ourselves ready to camp out with our child for the night (United we Stand, Divided we Fall).

As night fell, the nurses brought out a bed/chair which i nicely grabbed as my bed for the night. Paul got himself ready to sleep next to Ciré on the single bed and around 10 pm it was lights out and sleep time.

As i couldn’t sleep that well during the night, about every hour I would open my eyes to see what was happening over in the single bed, well that’s when the giggles started! At 11pm Ciré had his leg over his dad like he was spooning a girl! At 12 midnight he had his face so close to his dads that they could be kissing cousins. At about 3am Ciré was laying on top of Paul and you could imagine what that looked like!!!! By 5am Ciré was back to spooning with his dad and i could only grin to myself.

As we all started to wake up in the morning i asked Paul how did he sleep, and then I busted out laughing! He couldn’t remember all of the positions him and Ciré experienced throughout the night, but he did remember quite a few and we both started to laugh until we cried.

The things we parents do for our children, and to Paul and Ciré… next time GET A ROOM!

Something Amazing!

So many amazing things have happened over the past few months, but one that really made me jump for joy was “My Big Trash Boy”. Yup you read that right! Sometimes i forget that Cire is so intelligent, I forget that he sees everything and though he doesn’t talk I have to keep in mind that he knows more than he wants us to think.

So what was amazing, well here it is.

It was a Monday morning so it was trash day. Cire was in the kitchen with me watching me do my regular routine of taking the trash out of the trashcan, tying the top of the bag and then I usually just put the bag at the kitchen door until I am ready to leave. For some reason after I tied the bag I handed it to Cire and said take this, well…… my amazement my child grabbed the bag and headed for the door. I followed him, but kept a distance so i could see what he was going to do with the bag, well to my amazement he walked out the door and headed out the yard and to the trash containers at the road side where the neighborhood drops the weekly trash. I was shocked, amazed and filled with such proudness, I know it was JUST TAKING OUT THE TRASH, but for me it was more than that! You see Cire has never taken out the trash before, he has watched me hundreds of times drag the trash to the roadside, but I didn’t think ever to ask him to do it. For me to watch him carry that bag out like he had been doing it for YEARS and then put the trash down (NOT DROP IT DOWN), but rest it down with a purpose, like this is where this goes, swelled my heart with proudness.

Cire you ROCK, and yes now you will have to take the trash out from now on, but I will not look at it as just carrying trash but opening a door to you becoming an independent man!

Next I’ll be registering you for College (IT COULD HAPPEN!). The sky’s the limit! You are so AMAZING!

Yup I Can Curse Like a Sailor!

So its been a long time since I last posted anything and with good reason, DRAMMMMMMA! Yup, a whole lot of drama that not only took over my life, but also took over my laughter. A lot has happened over the past few months, GOOD things (received a grant for $5000 to help with Cire’s TV Fees, have had lots of freelance jobs which pay the bills), BAD things (CIre got kicked out of his typical school because he has AUTISM), and the UGLY (One of the people who I love more than anything in this world hurt me down to the core of my being).

Having said all that, I have rejoiced, cried, cursed like a sailor, kicked, screamed, cut my eyes like nobodies business and at the end of it all I have come out laughing.

So let’s get back to me telling my story cause from here its all smiles!

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